What happens to you during conflicts?
Let’s set the scene. You are in the kitchen with your wife. The kids are loud in the background. Dinner is half cooked. Then suddenly, a small disagreement sparks. Within seconds, you feel your blood pressure rise. Your pulse quickens. You sense the urge to either lash out or shut down and leave the room.
The interesting part is that this reaction is not something you consciously choose. It is not a logical decision. It is the echo of a very old script written into your body by evolution. To understand what happens to you during conflicts, you have to look back at where these instincts came from.
Why your body reacts this way
Thousands of years ago, men lived in a world of constant threats. Rival tribes, wild animals, and the uncertainty of survival were everyday realities. In those moments, there was no time to sit and reflect on feelings. You either fought or fled.
Because of this, your nervous system was designed to respond quickly to danger. Adrenaline would surge. Muscles would tense. Vigilance became second nature. These ancient instincts still live in your body today.
So when a conflict happens in your marriage, your body reacts as if survival is on the line. Even though you are not facing a lion or a rival warrior, your nervous system can’t tell the difference. This explains what happens to you during conflicts with your wife—you get flooded with old survival responses.
How your wife reacts differently
Meanwhile, women evolved with a different survival strategy. For them, survival meant creating bonds and keeping the community together. Their instincts in stressful moments push them to get closer, to talk things through, and to seek reassurance.
This is why, in modern marriage, you and your wife often clash. You feel overwhelmed and want to pull away. She feels stressed and wants to talk. The pattern that emerges is known as pursue and withdraw. She chases, and you retreat. Each one feels blamed by the other.
Understanding this helps you realize that neither of you is wrong. You are simply acting out instincts that were wired into your biology.
The hidden triggers inside you
To really grasp what happens to you during conflicts, it helps to look closer at the specific triggers you may feel as a husband.
Threat to autonomy and control
Historically, men needed freedom to protect and provide. When conflict makes you feel trapped, powerless, or stuck, your body interprets it as a threat to your autonomy.Loss of respect
Being a protector and provider is tied to your sense of identity. In conflict, you may worry about being disrespected or seen as inadequate. That fear adds fuel to your defensive reactions.Lack of competence
As a man, you often want to fix problems. But when conflict is about emotions, it can feel like something you cannot repair. That challenge can feel like failure, making you want to escape.Fear of losing her
Deep down, conflict can trigger an old fear of abandonment. Walking away may feel safer than risking escalation. But this very act can leave your wife feeling more disconnected.
When you see these triggers for what they are, you begin to understand what happens to you during conflicts on a much deeper level.
Why compassion changes everything
The good news is that these reactions are not signs of weakness. They are survival instincts. Recognizing this allows you to treat yourself with compassion instead of shame. It also helps you see your wife with fresh eyes. Her urge to talk and reconnect is not meant to trap you, but to restore a sense of safety for both of you.
Compassion means accepting that you are both working with ancient scripts. But in a modern marriage, survival is not about fighting or fleeing. It is about staying close, staying connected, and building trust.
How to update your instincts
What happens to you during conflicts is powerful, but it does not have to control you. With awareness and practice, you can update your instincts. Here are some steps to start:
Pause before reacting. When you feel your pulse rise, notice it. Take a breath. Remind yourself that you are not in danger.
Name your feelings. Saying out loud that you feel disrespected or overwhelmed helps slow down your survival response.
Stay present. Instead of leaving the room right away, try to stay with your wife and listen. Even a few moments of presence can change the direction of the conversation.
Reframe conflict. See conflict not as an enemy but as an invitation to grow closer. Each disagreement can become an opportunity to understand each other better.
Becoming a wise husband
At the heart of marriage is connection. What happens to you during conflicts does not have to drive a wedge between you and your wife. Instead, it can become a turning point.
A wise husband learns to bring awareness, acceptance, and tenderness where once there was only the urge to win or escape. He sees conflict as a signal, not a threat. And he understands that modern love is not about survival in the wilderness, but survival as a family built on trust and closeness.
If you want more tools and insights on how to strengthen your marriage and lead your family with wisdom, check out my book Wise Husband on Amazon. And remember, the task is not to eliminate conflict, but to respond with compassion and courage.